Mine left me after 40 years, for a woman 25 years younger. "@type": "FAQPage", It doesnt undo the bittersweet clarity that when I look into my sons faces, I see my dad (long deceased) and my exs mother (whom I once loved), both of whom are no longer in my life. I have tried counselling, forgiveness, keeping very busy, yoga and meditation anything and everything recommended, but I cant let go and have a constant deep sadness. Sam, have you considered going to therapy to work through your pain? But I could not stop it. "name": "Does divorce hurt even after years? You can be happy and sad at the same time after divorce because memories come and go without a warning. This goes hand-in-hand with feeling your emotions. Absolutely. People will go to a bar t drink overnight to forget the pains in them. Accept, move on and be ready to overcome any challenges that come along the way. I still love the woman I thought I married and I am angry at the emotional manipulation and pain she metered out to me which ended with the beginning of her second marriage. Later she said no, I guess not and went on to a great life without nice. She left because she no longer wanted marriage and to go down the path we were heading e.g. Its very hard to move on and not think or focus on the should of, would of and could of. No tool and not even with time repairs. There's also the practical side of it. The dread and emptiness you feel after a breakup, is subtly acknowledged as in it's the subject of every great work of art known to man but publicly, it's not an acceptable reason to like, skip work or not be a functional human being. Many men divorce and move on in just a few months, while others take years to go . I still cry daily for my marriage but also as a single parent of an autistic son and tween girl life is tough. Know how you feel, Sheila, & there is no easy way through the pain. Why was I the one invited to the party but not given a piece of cake (again?). You may have to find. He was my best friend, husband and mentor. I would have gone to any length to keep my family together. Time does not heal all wounds. You may consider it phantom pain, but its pain nonetheless. Perhaps it arises on those occasions that invariably spark old memories. My exhusband moved on quickly and even has a new baby. "The narcissist devours people, consumes their output, and casts the empty, writhing shells aside." - Sam Vaknin. Oh, so difficult! Sam, I find it odd that you dont trust other women but would trust the woman causing your pain and welcome her back. Thinking that being alone means being lonely. Wow, I was taken aback by this editors unkindness and lack of compassion. This will ensure that during the day, you are fully engaged at work and in the evening, you are in class. How shes by herself, struggling financially and emotionally . Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I once experienced a lady who was struggling with the pain of overcoming separation alone and when I purposed to hold her hand, she started relaxing, and within a short time, life to her became a joyous one. I couldnt say more because this is the solution to becoming a happy person after grieving for over 10 years. Do those things! Theres no going back, only accepting what lies behind & making the best of what is left. I saw my ex at a social function. God sees our pain, our tears. I do not want to be with my ex as he did some very bad things, but I mourn for the loss of our whole family as a unit and broken promises. Does he ever think of me? 11. Thank you for finding those words. As the years go by following my divorce, I often think that something is wrong with me because I still feel sad. However, there are plenty of ways to fight off the causes of depression, and a good support group will help you get through the worst parts of the divorce without it having a major impact on your life moving forward. Will this date ever come without me noticing? 0. There remains a post-divorce financial cloud from which I may never recover, and lost opportunities as a result. Good article and I will add to it. Still, I can only imagine that he, too, senses the sorrow that is part of who I am. I believe that all children need mothers and fathers in their lives. She is the single mother of two boys. I will never trust again or be intimate with another man. Every holiday my daughters have to divide the holidays, not just between us and in-laws, but us and the other us and the in-laws. He aluded to not being happy This is not the life I wanted etc. I struggle through. The betrayal is devastating. There is so much I can be happy about now. By Stephanie Downs - March 1, 2023 08:07 pm EST. It just goes down and down. Not only would they not understand, but they would wonder if it all was just for revenge. That alone really destroys me when I think about it but I have to be strong for my little granddaughter who I have not met yet but one day I hope to. You really cant talk to anyone about it. It was so good to read something I have been feeling for over 15 years. Sheila. But at times, it happens that there are disagreements that come along the way which is hard to cope up with the partner any more. Divorce is like living with a painful wound with which you learn to live for a very long time. I am an optimist and hope and pray that eventually for the sake of our children He didnt ask for forgiveness, nor can I find it in my heart to forgive him the hurt and emptiness is too deep. You deserve to feel love and to love and be loved. Mental health experts agree that divorce is comparable to the loss of a loved one, which makes sense given that you're suffering the loss of a marriage and all that goes with it. To become part of the DivorcedMoms writing team, click submit below for our guidelines. Don't give up on yourself or your life for a mistake you think you made 10 years ago. Concentrate on investments that would help you work out what is best for you and stop being obsessed about your ex-partner. 'We were still in love when our marriage ended' I got divorced because of a communication breakdown (that oversimplifies it, really) but I regret it because we were probably still in love when. I do however, fear that my deep deep regret over leaving my husband and the associated guilt will eventually tear us apart. College, med school, residency and air force payback and then he left us, filed while he was in another country. Although my ex did apologize, he never really clarified WHY he left. your Facebook account, or anywhere that someone would find this page valuable. My pain stems from a few things, pain left over from childhood (which I believe we all have to some degree) and pain from him leaving me without any real (as I saw it) truth for me to keep. I was married for 29 years and so I am almost there. An example is engaging in mind teasing activities, for instance going back to school for your masters on a part-time basis. as if they knew everything about my marriage and had the right to judge from their high moral (usually married) position. It's easy to slip into dramatic self-pity mode when you're the one left behind, just as it was in my divorce. You will have limited time to think about your past relationship, and you will overcome. I know that I am getting better, I dont think about him near as much but then one thing can make me spiral right back to years before and the process starts again. Sad. I still am working on my self and hope and pray she sees something in me again. Great article. Im not saying that you want vengeance or wish him wrong, but resentment is not a good feeling either, it hurts you more than it does him. I have spoken to a lawyer and have all the supporting information. I found those comments an insult to the (what I thought) was a good marriage of course we had our ups and downs and a loving partnership. Poor Academic Performance What I learned: Never let your guard down entirely, and he or she with the deepest pockets wins. You might feel disconnected or sad, even if you wanted the relationship to end. We are expected to be resilient after a major loss or major life event such as divorce. It took him 6 years to make up his mind to go through with a divorce. After a divorce, you're going to cycle through a spectrum of emotions and more than just sadness or jubilation. I am fairly young (late-30s), and I still feel that I want children. He stopped speaking to me full stop. I thought I was taking forward steps. You may continue hurting 10 years later because of being fed with negative information of your ex-wife thereby holding you from getting over your past hurts. I didnt think it would affect me but, it has. Below are some tips to help one know what to follow when divorce still hurts. My experience is the same as a husband. We were married for 15 years. It is more than enough! I cannot see me ever loving another man and would I find another at 62? I am now very poor and work my butt off to just pay rent on a small apartment. We just needed to voice our shared experience. He has seen me in a good, solid, happy relationship for several years now, and while life isnt without its challenges, in general, I have no complaints. Oh well. It's not a bad place to be. And regardless of its source, shouldnt we be allowed to acknowledge it when it returns, free to express our feelings openly? My marriage lasted 21 years, I was with her for 23 years. No longer. Copy and paste it, adding a note of your own, into your blog, a Web page, forums, a blog comment, The article is dead on. Studies show that men feel empty, guilty, anxious, depressed, deep loss, and strong dependency needs of which they . Heres the thing, what hurts the most for me right now is still not having found another love. Acceptance is the final stage of loss. That awful truth of divorce brings depression, devastation and a feeling of despair that we have never experienced and is hard to explain. Its been nearly 3 years (which I suppose is not that long really, but it feels like a long time to be so sad) and I cry every day, in private, so hard sometimes that Im not sure I will be able to stop. Every former boyfriend has told me I am still in love with him. I feel bad for my children always going in 2 directions and not having the support I will give my daughter away to her man at the alter with trepidation and, as has been said, I will smile whilst enduring the pain of a family event without the man with whom I created her. And its hard to have to share my daughter and grandchildren with my exs affair-partner-now-wife. Also learn to put your positive energy in a different atmosphere, visit childrens homes, share their joys and hurts and encourage them that there is hope after a painful living. Thank you for this - sadly after 20 years and 2 young kids we split 3.5 years ago. I tried dating at first to replace her and I could not I love her to much . Do things you wish you would have done and still can do. You deserve to feel love and to love and be loved. When you hear the word "divorce," there are a handful of images that probably come to mindtwo adults arguing, a sad child stuck in the middle, and maybe even a contentious courtroom battle.But when a marriage ends, it's far more complex than that.For one, you may never even be in a courtroom with your ex, and secondly, there are some truly positive effects of a divorce that you may not have . The judgement by others(including family) has been searing. Make a bucket list of places and things you want to do and see. but I met her when I was 20 and she was 17 . The main reason as to why this is experienced in the lives of people who have separated is because of the good memories that were shared while in marriage, the obstacles that they overcame make people still the hurt and especially if they have a challenge that needs a partner to step in and support. "name": "Can you be completely happy after divorce? It becomes manageable, but thats about it. Oh, theres likely nothing so special about my story except perhaps how long it raged. Anger: Everything about your ex makes you angry. As a man who was left behind almost 6 years ago and has been parallel parenting two daughters since, I will simply say that I identify with what you wrote. I have not been able to get over my pre-divorce delusion that our marriage was solid, and that he loved me deeply. It's a process that's extremely tough from start to finish, and you can still feel emotional weeks, months, and even years after you and your former partner have split. My ex moved on, remarried a month after the divorce. Children from divorced families may experience more externalizing problems, such as conduct disorders, delinquency, and impulsive behavior than kids from two-parent families. "@context": "https://schema.org", Ive heard the lectures about moving on after divorce many times. and special occasions are the hardest. For people who already live with depression . Median duration of second marriages: Males: 7.3 years Females: 6.8 years. "acceptedAnswer": { One of the most critical elements to healing is to spend time with people who will cheer you up, show you about positive things outside your broken marriage and work towards your healing. I have been doing a lot of soul searching trying to figure out the consistent sadness I feel after 7 years. Don't give up on yourself or your life for a mistake you think you made 10 years ago. I feel like I am in a much better place mentally and feel like my old self somewhat but there is no magical switch to healing. Ive got friends I hardly hear from anymore. I was caring, nice, compassionate person, but people ignore me anyway. It will only increase the hurts and pains which will also affect your health. we will find a common ground to make it as normal as possible.. Good article! I still wonder why he left, although the reality was that he lived a double life with me! We were together about 12 yrs all together, until I was 30. Articles like this are good- to open the dialogue that sometimes the pain of divorce doesnt go away or that time heals but we learn somehow to live with it and live a happy life where we can. On a recent morning, I hung up the phone with my divorce attorney. "text": "You can be happy and sad at the same time after divorce because memories come and go without a warning. And yes, so much collateral damage. Dont accept any blame..it was just an excuse & helped your ex rationalize his behavior. Pain can coexist with happiness. I too get sad in these all too often moments Then I feel the empty space profoundly not for a man I do not miss but where a family history of four ought to be. Our youngest daughters future events such as marriage, graduations, etc., that we now have to be a part of as separate families, instead of being proud together and sharing that moment with each other, Im sitting alone glaring at my ex, reliving the whole scene of him walking out on me with a younger model going on vacations and living it up while I am barely getting 3 hours sleep a night. Help Is Here. As such, it is essential to take up to 4 years to allow complete healing before you start dating. we see each other all the time with that and every smell and sound and sight reminds me of her and how my family was and could be .. I wish for better days. If you can't see a therapist to talk to about your feelings, remember that self-care after a breakup is key. Add in a young child, and the other spouse refusing to work on things, rather, cut bait and get out immediately with no reason. Thank you for sharing. Wow. Its very difficult to see a future for myself. Friends and families will help you overcome the pain of divorce 10 years later. For me, the pain will never go away. Its not easy to find realistic articles on the very-long-term type of pain resulting from a divorce, so this one was a breath of fresh air. I wish I could tell people it gets better but it does not when you miss the love of your life. I am coming to terms with that but its hard. People can continue hurting because of the communications they still have after dissolving the marriage. Maybe its her you shouldnt trust and other women, those whove not hurt you, you should give a chance. You may find all the divorce lectures and traditional wisdom in adages like time heals all, may not fit your circumstances at all. This mistrust of oneself identified by Ms. Wolf is the most nagging problem I am facing. I divorced the following year. Agree. He took the get out of parenting free card. I am finding it impossible to truly heal from the breakdown of my marriage and family. "I think we are done", he says. But that is life I am told and at 49 years old, starting over dirt poor and broken is not ideal. When one of my kids remarked that he thought there was a profound sadness in me, I was taken aback. I miss her greatly . I gave someone my entire heart, promises, vows, ups, downs, physical intimate moments, and emotional intimate moments I never thought I could give and share with someone. At the moment its him using we/our in his e-mails because I am having his sister to stay. Call 707-326-5566 to schedule an initial consultation with Santa Rosa Psychotherapist Ben Schwarcz Ive been divorced many, many years, but it still hurts sometimes. Still sometimes sad about not having the life I expected. Why rock my boat. I am still sick about all of the deceit after being together since high school. Dont let years and years pass by and cling to the pain, hurt, and resentment. Many couples never recover from divorce because of feeding their minds with evil thoughts about your past marriage, calling and abusing your ex-partner. In my 60s, I have nothing to look forward to, just existing each day. Then she decided to take her Mom for a vacation to ensure that she was at peace and enjoy a new atmosphere outside the norm. Although she burdens me daily with spam, she's devoted and reliable. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Accessibility Statement, 4 Myths About Cheating That Women Cling To. Some changed for the better, some are still works in progress. By this time you will have known the extent that you contributed towards ending your previous marriage and see the solution to avoid any more hurts in a second marriage. I feel completely abandoned and alone. You can still love her without remaining in daily pain. You may continue hurting 10 years later because of being fed with negative information of your ex-wife thereby holding you from getting over your past hurts.